All the Single Ladies

Singles in a crab bucket, considerations on marriage, Silicon Valley Christians and more in this week's roundup

What I’ve been reading: The Antimonies of Antonio Gramsci by Perry Anderson, Every Good Endeavor by Tim Keller (re-read).

In a violation of the social norms around colleges congratulating their alumni who obtain high office, Wheaton College un-congratulated newly confirmed OMB director Russ Vought after some lefties complained. I took a look at this situation and what it says about the landscape of contemporary evangelicalism in this month’s Member only podcast.

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All the Single Ladies

A reader sent me a note with his experience dating Christian women. He suggests that Christian women’s single friends often sabotage relationships.

This is one man’s story so hardly conclusive, but I’ve seen inklings of this myself. It seems to be common for single Christian women to warn their friends to “guard your heart” when it comes to dating. And let’s be honest, nothing is more true to human nature than to act like crabs in a bucket and try to sabotage our peers’ success.

What are your experiences here? I will open comments to everyone on this post so you can share.

Other single Christian women, aka a girl's close singles girlfriend group, are the greatest obstacles to a successful relationship. Hear me out -- this is borne from hard experience since the spring of '21.

To be frank, half the issue in any relationship is always the man. I've got my own issues, come from a broken family, etc. I'm not looking for sympathy for the above -- I want to be intellectually and emotionally honest and table the suggestion that the problem might just be me. But, I've got quite a lot going for me, too. Successful career, financially ahead of the pack, physically fit, status occupation, etc.

The pattern is identical in almost every case, connection --> consultation --> crisis over calling, control and community --> collapse. This has even occurred in micro form (talking + one date + ask from the girl for extended commitment) and macro (multiple months, visits to meet friends/family). So, there's enough data to state a point. And I've heard similar stories from single, Christian male friends to add in corollary evidence.

Here goes: I met/reconnect with an attractive, single Christian charismatic woman over thirty and we began dating: M, 33 y/o, L, 34 y/o, E, 31 y/o, A, 33~ y/o, AK, 34 y/o. All were college-educated, serious, committed Christians deeply involved in ministry/social work, all claim to want children and a family. Some had never had a boyfriend, let alone a date, others had nothing approaching anything that resembled an actual relationship in at least four years.

The story always goes like this:

First, connection. In two instances, a deep emotional connection. The girl is somewhere between interested to all in. The girl also realizes a serious relationship with me will require change/adjustment, but she isn't too concerned, at least initially. This stage lasts anywhere from one to two months.

At the one to two month mark, the consultation phase begins, which spontaneously occurs with single female friends for a multiple-day get-together of some kind. This might be the best friend from college, a group of girls from the church, a sister, etc over a yearly trip together, an annual college reunion, etc. In each case, it's something like "Hey, I'm off with the girls for the next few days, we're doing X, and I'll probably be very engaged, but we'll talk after". This girl's trip always involves other long-time single girlfriends (with maybe one girl along who has a serious boyfriend, but usually a relationship fraught with issues). During the consultation, the girl discusses me and our relationship at extensive length with the friends (this is a bit of an assumption -- this is not always explicitly stated but it may be inferred reasonably from other comments, feedback, timeline, references while in the relationship plus the general nature of women themselves. It's amazing what women will tell you of their girlfriends' opinions of you). The girlfriends' consultation -- and IMO, these are women who generally do not understand men, or even have much relationship experience from which to give advice from -- involves pointing out and highlighting my flaws & issues, what she needs/wants, the challenges with the relationship, the cost of the relationship (she might have to move, I am a military man, etc), which inevitably precipitates the crisis.

Post-girls trip, the woman I'm dating returns, and suddenly, just like that, the crisis begins. The crisis always revolves around community, calling and control. She is now very uncertain about me and the relationship. If she doesn't end the relationship at the conclusion of the trip, she will withdraw emotionally, creating distance and suddenly, we now have problems we didn't have before. We talk. She's realized what the relationship will cost her, and begins to talk about how dating/marrying me will really be a net loss: she will lose her community, or have to give up her calling, or lose control. She's scared, concerned, uncertain, etc. I am always told by the girl they have realized just how amazing their current life is: job, friendships, community, etc. I'm told, either indirectly or directly she has no interest in giving any of what she has now up -- not even for a husband and children. If she really likes me, she'll stay around for a while yet, but her "tests" and expectations always ratchet up in intensity, and everything I do or say is doubly magnified and closely scrutinized. Eventually, she'll decide I've made a wrong move, said a wrong phrase, and just like that, she'll collapse, and end the relationship. Usually, the reason is described as "too many differences".

Still, in each case, the beginning of the end comes when the single girlfriends gather around, and highlight all the issues and problems they see. For whatever reason, these single Christian charismatic women at 30+ seem to trust these single girlfriends above all when it comes to relational advice about dating. It's very weird. Notably, when the woman gets input from happily married friends or family members, it is usually pro-relationship. But for some reason I cannot explain, the single (and likely unhappy) girlfriends' collective consensus seems to always win out. Perhaps the advice supports their fears or points out the admittedly real challenges of a relationship with a military officer living overseas -- but the outcome is always the same, the girlfriends' input is weighed most heavily.

I don't keep tabs on ex-girlfriends, but to the best of my knowledge -- none of the women in question are married, so it's not like they're turning me down, and suddenly finding Mr. Right.

Thoughts?

Get Married, Young Man

The noted Muslim writer Haroon Moghul had a very interesting Substack post this week about young men and marriage. Perhaps especially interesting to read in light of the above comments.

If you’re ready, I told him, you should get married. I’m not one of those who weirdly propose delaying years, in the ultimately self-defeating way my parents’ generation did, on the assumption that waiting until you’re thirty, and practically near the end of your biological clock (men and women alike) is wiser, smarter, and makes marriage more likely to succeed. If you’re ready, move forward.

But are you ready? As we talked, and he shared more about her, their relationship, and their hopes for the future, I told him it sounded like he hadn’t sat with some important, even vital questions. Because the most enduring choice we make isn’t where we go to college, what career we pursue, or even where we live.

It’s who we choose to spend our lives with.

For men, who we marry will determine so much of the rest of our lives—far more than most young men realize: Where we live, what kind of career we pursue, how and who we socialize with, whether we are ambitious or apathetic, whether we’re eager to come home or alienated from what should be our refuge—not to mention how we raise our kids. As far as I can tell, no other decision comes close.

That doesn’t mean college doesn’t matter or where you live doesn’t count. But actually, those impact who’ll consider marrying you as much as who you’ll consider marrying. Everything is connected. My job wasn’t to tell him who to marry, when to marry, or any of that. It was to encourage him to ask the right kinds of questions, beginning with this: Is she the right person for who I am — and who I must be?

…

Opposites attract. There’s plenty of silliness out there just like this—because no, opposites do not attract. Here’s some better advice for how to pick your lifelong partner.

Yes, you want a woman who you love, care for, and are attracted to. Who loves, cares for and is attracted to you. That part should be self-evident.

In his case, that part was taken care of. But that’s hardly everything.

You need someone who’s similar enough to yourself that you have shared priorities, ambitions and, most importantly of all, frameworks. Your families have to be able to get along (more on this later). That doesn’t mean people from different backgrounds can’t get married, though they should understand the work they need to do. Because when bad things happen, and they will, you must be able to face them together.

Click over to read the whole thing.

Best of the Web

Richard Reeves: Unmarried Dads matter too - The center left Reeves has repeatedly talked about a critical issue that conservatives basically ignore, namely that unmarried fathers have remarkably few parental rights in most states. And they can easily be stripped of what they do have, such as by the mother putting the child up for adoption without the father even knowing the kid exists. Arizona’s Supreme Court just made this harder to do there, which is good news for dads.

Casey Handmer: Stuff you should have been taught in college but weren’t - Career advice for young people starting off.

NYT: The ‘Manosphere’? It’s Planet Earth.

Matthew Schmitz/NYT: The Toxic Male Is Ready for His Close-Up

WaPo: In rural America, more women are saying ‘I don’t’

The Atlantic: What’s Up With All the Sex Parties?

NYT: Seeking God, or Peter Thiel, in Silicon Valley

NYT: Marijuana Dependence Linked to Higher Risk of Death

Jake Dell: America’s “Zombie” Protestant Denominations and the Coming Land Grab

New Content and Media Mentions

I got mentions in First Things and World Magazine this week.

And I was a guest on the Transfigured podcast this week. Paul Vanderklay said of this, “there is way more religio-politico common sense in this video with Sam Tideman and Aaron Renn than in thousands of hours of big channel YT punditry.” Thanks, Paul. He also posted his own follow-up video.

New this week:

• The Hidden Power of Saying Yes - Saying Yes can open doors you didn't even know existed

• How the Right is Finally Learning to Take Over Institutions - The right is moving beyond defensive strategies to deploy aggressive takeovers of existing institutions

• My podcast this week was with Ross Douthat on why you should be a religious believer.

• My Member podcast this month was about Wheaton College congratulating alumnus Russ Vought.

Subscribe to my podcast on Apple Podcasts, Youtube, or Spotify.

Post-Script

What I admire most in any man is a serene spirit, a steady freedom from moral indignation, an all-embracing tolerance — in brief, what is commonly called good sportsmanship. Such a man is not to be mistaken for one who shirks the hard knocks of life. On the contrary, he is frequently an eager gladiator, vastly enjoying opposition. But when he fights he fights in the manner of a gentleman fighting a duel, not in that of a longshoreman cleaning out a waterfront saloon. That is to say, he carefully guards his amour propre by assuming that his opponent is as decent a man as he is, and just as honest — and perhaps, after all, right. Such an attitude is palpably impossible to a democrat [note: small-d]. His distinguishing mark is the fact that he always attacks his opponents, not only with all arms, but also with snorts and objurgations — that he is always filled with moral indignation — that he is incapable of imagining honor in an antagonist, and hence incapable of honor himself. Such fellows I do not like. I do not share their emotion. I can’t understand their indignation, their choler. In particular, I can’t fathom their envy. And so I am against them.

- H. L. Mencken, “The Blind Spot”

Cover image credit: Trae Stephens by TechCrunch, CC BY 2.0