Life's Not Fair - Deal With It

Focus on how to overcome the unfairness of life rather than just complaining about it

Some people didn’t like my piece on how it’s never been a better time to be a man because they think it’s making peace with the injustices and unfairness of our modern two-tier society.

There is a huge divide in society, in which the people in the top 20-25% have been doing very well, while most of the rest experience a variety of struggles. I mentioned, for example, a recent study by Harvard economist Raj Chetty that found upward economic mobility among whites in the bottom 25% of the income distribution has declined significantly. That’s not good.

But what can we do about these things? Tweet? Well, if you follow me on X, you’ll note I tweet about these things a lot. I write about them a lot here. We certainly should not shut up about things that aren’t right.

But realistically, there’s not much I can do to change most of the things I complain about.

The world is unfair. If we want to make it more fair, then we need to acquire the power and influence to make it that way. Hence I say those of us who can need to maximize what we can get out of the opportunities the world gives us, so that we can use that as a platform for positive change.

But before we can aspire to change the world for the better, we have to successfully see and navigate the world as it is, not as we think it should be.

This means recognizing where the world is unfair to you, and working to overcome that.

There’s nothing wrong with complaining about legitimate injustice. And I recognize that for some people reading, you are in a genuinely tough spot. But most of us here have agency to try to find a path forward in the face of that. There’s no guarantee, but we can take action.

Too often I see people on the internet who seem content to wallow in complaints about the problems and unfairness in the world rather than correctly diagnosing them then moving forward. Again, there’s nothing wrong with speaking up about unfairness. But we have to take the next step forward anyway.

What are some unfair structures in our society?

Well, we see that intersectionality and DEI put white men at the bottom of the heap. If you are a white (or Asian) male applying to college, to a job, etc. in some cases you are going to face some level of discrimination. You may lose a position to someone who is less qualified than you.

But, there are still opportunities out there in the world. As I said, there are many capital light ways to start a business today that didn’t exist before. There are ways to network with people you might never have been able to before. There are other open jobs. Maybe you didn’t get into Harvard, but having to go to State U doesn’t mean you can’t have huge success in life anyway.

And remember, other groups faced far worse discrimination in the past. The DEI penalty is nothing remotely compared to slavery, Jim Crow, or other ways blacks have been treated in America. And they had far fewer, and often no means of working around what they were experiencing.

Similarly, Jews and Catholics experienced exclusion and derision that was more significant than what evangelicals are experiencing today.

That doesn’t justify current unfairness, but does put it in perspective. As with many of those prior generations of Americans, evangelicals or white men or whomever can still build a life in spite of it.

Similarly, there’s a lot of unfairness when it comes to gender. Some of this is simply rooted in the reality that gender polarity is a fundamental part of our species.

For example, society cares much more about women’s complaints and problems than they do men’s. Hence we have a massive infrastructure and gigantic pools of institutional and philanthropic money devoted to boosting the fortunes of women, and comparatively little to helping men specifically.

This isn’t likely to change. It’s well known that societies tend to treat men as expendable. Their status is conditional and must be continually earned. Whereas women don’t have those burdens. (See David D. Gilmore’s Manhood in the Making for insights on this).

This difference is pervasive. It’s why everyone, including the elite, official organs of society, rush to the defense of “cat ladies,” while male “incels” get nothing but contempt. It’s why divorce courts are more favorable to women than men.

There will always be a gap between how men and women are viewed in society.

But again, this cuts both ways. There’s the double standard in which men who have lots of sex partners are studs, while women who do so are sluts.

Also, older single men are in a much better position to improve their dating prospects than older single women are. Since attractiveness in men is driven by factors like power, status, charisma, etc. in addition to looks, men can do a lot to make themselves more attractive. They can get in shape, become more stylish, hustle in their career, learn some game, etc. Whereas for women, attractiveness is more heavily driven by looks and age. They can take care of themselves and dress well, but there’s not as much that’s within their control. Also, our social rules expect the man to be the initiator in dating, which is to your benefit because it gives you social permission to have more agency.

So while there’s a lot in our society that seems to be unfair to men, don’t forget that there are plenty of things that are unfair to women too. And while you do need to be mindful of the realities of divorce in today’s world and other ways men can get screwed over, that doesn’t mean you can’t prudently move forward in the pursuit of marriage.

Regardless of who you are, the landscape you are facing in modern America is going to have some things that are not fair to you. There’s no reason to affirm that these are good things. We can try to make those situations better.

But more important is for you as a man to take stock of reality and figure out your game plan to move forward in spite of those obstacles. In fact, facing and overcoming adversity is almost part of the definition of manhood.

Take advantage of the new opportunities that exist today. Work to overcome the hurdles. And when you succeed, be sure to pay it forward by using your position to improve the path for others and make the world a better and fairer place.