As I’ve noted many times, the degree of difficulty dial on finding a spouse and staying married has been turned up a lot in America. Falling marriage rates attest to the problems here, ranging from the rise of technology mediated dating
I think we can agree that we are talking about men’s marriage chances from different life stages and ages so our perspectives will vary greatly. Data findings can help us as Christian men to understand the world around us.
Statistics point to overall lower marriage rates and older median ages at which women get married at least in the case of the USA.
* * *
Some good 2019 data (published in 2021) on the regional variation in the *median* age of first-time marriage in the USA for both men and women. Americans get married at older ages than is currently assumed.
“Of those men who were born in 1940, about 83% were married by age 30. Among those born in 1980 only about 25% were married by age 30.” (England & Wales example)
Thanks for the stats. One thing I'd note is that, in the secular world, it's very uncommon for anyone to get married less than 3 years after they started dating exclusively, and 5+ years is common enough. So that man married at age 30 has probably been in the same exclusive relationship since he was 27 at the oldest, quite possibly 24 or 25.
I wonder how much of the increase in average age at first marriage is explained by an extension of the period of "courtship", including cohabitation more often than not. Surely not all of it, but I'm confident at least 1 year has been added this way.
For the record, my wife and I married about 1 year after we first met, and I think that's probably the sweet spot.
Thank you for your comment on this! I agree with you that marriage after one year of meeting is ideal especially for couples who are of the same Christian tradition, live in the same local area, and who are preparing well for married life.
There’s a great article from The Atlantic on the topic of extended dating and courtship that spans many years.
Completely agree with you on this. I think the men complaining are also suffering from a seriously wrong historical perspective. They typically compare their situation to Western men in the 1950s, but that was probably the easiest time and place in all of history for a low-quality man to get a spouse. For most of history, men were in a brutal competition with other men, and the highest-quality men took most of the women. The majority of men who ever lived have no surviving descendants. When I hear men complaining about how tough it is today, I find it truly laughable. They seem to think it should be effortless. May of them are also imposing a standard of absolute virginity, which is needless and unrealistic. Also, I think that in some ways it is even easier today to get a woman than it was in the 50s, because a lot of men aren't even courting women for marriage. If you are one of the ones that is, there is tons of female demand. I have a few middle-aged friends who have divorced, and every one of them has had a new woman before they stopped cohabiting with their estranged wife. This wasn't cheating, it was due to online dating AFTER they agreed to split (or were dumped). Women in that age group are so desperate for a man they will take one who is still living with his wife, and just take his word for it that they are separated!
"Many of them are also imposing a standard of absolute virginity, which is needless and unrealistic."
Couldn't agree more that any person looking to marry should consider a prospective spouse as a whole person, and graciously remember that none of us is perfect. Categorically ruling out an otherwise suitable spouse for one flaw is foolish.
However, men who want to marry have good reason to consider a prospective wife's sexual history as one of many criteria, and to prefer virgins on that point. Women who are virgins when they marry are significantly less likely to divorce and somewhat more likely to be satisfied in marriage.
Nor is virginity an "unrealistic" standard, even if most people these days fall short of it. As recently as the 1950s, most women (60% or so) were virgins when they married, and most of those who weren't (another 28% or so) had only slept with the man they were marrying. Widespread female promiscuity is a very recent and most unfortunate development.
It is fine to value virginity and any other behaviour or trait for that matter, but not if it presents an insurmountable obstacle to getting married. When I cite this issue, I am mainly referring to the army of men on Youtube who claim they cannot find a wife but then reject any woman with a normal sexual history (i.e some previous boyfriends, by the time they are in their mid-late 20s). Many are driven by anger that these women have supposedly chosen to sleep with "chads" while young, before seeking to settle down and marry ordinary men like them. Frankly, if women are willing to marry you, then you cannot claim you cannot find a wife. This problem is self-imposed. I agree with you that promiscuity is undesirable but we also cannot pretend that contraception changed nothing and that pre-contraception standards are still appropriate. Most of these women are not seeking to "use" men, quite the opposite they have sought to please men they like, and would make perfectly good wives.
I speak from the perspective of the devout and financially stable Christian men in my social circle (all ten of us are very single in NYC) and I do think the challenges men face today are indeed different.
Irreligiosity, rampant promiscuity, widespread contraceptive use, obesity, no-fault divorce, and political polarization between the sexes are bigger challenges for men today than in decades past. Women in the 1950s saw marriage as the next step between 18-25. Today that timeline is now 28-35 with college debt and relational baggage in tow.
Definitely see why being a “passport bro” is an appealing strategy for some men tired of fruitless searches in the West.
Well I'm coming from a completely different perspective of a middle-aged man in Australia, so it's possible the mating pool really is that different. However, I note that the average age of marriage for women in the US is 27, with some states as low as 24, so if you are encountering 28-35 then you are in an atypical pool even for the US. I also agree that there are many new challenges for men today but I just think it was a big challenge for most of history too, just for different reasons. A man who cannot find a woman today would have been rubbed out of the gene pool in most other eras as well. I often see commentary on youtube to the effect that young women today are a bunch of fat tattooed sluts but this does not gel with what I see around me, with many slim and beautifully presented young women. I also see these same men demanding that the women be virgins but unless you are getting engaged in high school, that is not realistic and seems like an excuse to rule most women out.
Regarding the states with low median ages, their populations are disproportionately 1) rural and/or 2) Mormon compared to the rest of the USA, which means they don't contribute as much to the dating pool we're concerned with as their median-age-of-first-marriage might suggest.
For a Protestant or Catholic who lives in the city/suburbs, it'd be difficult (although not impossible) to date someone in a rural area because there's both geographic and cultural distance to overcome. Dating a Mormon would be even harder; the LDS Church strongly and effectively encourages its members to marry each other, and if you did find a Mormon who was willing to date, the theological differences would be much harder to reconcile.
Thanks for your reply. I’ve never been to Australia and hope to learn more about the country in the future. I’m going to reply to your comment shortly on another thread explaining that Americans do get married much later than you assume.
Speaking from experience--a small-town or rural resident, particularly in the western USA, might perceive "a huge shortage of marriageable women." A study of census data for my home county, and surrounding ones, indicates the male population outnumbers the female population by a couple percentage points, i.e. several hundred (or thousand) people.
Be that as it may, my social circle does include a dozen or so Christian women in their 20s. Those I would consider dating (or have asked out), fall into these categories: 1) already in relationships; 2) not interested or "ready" to date; or 3) apparently single but younger than I'm comfortable asking out, i.e. under 24-25 years old vs. my own age of 31. It is a great mental challenge to believe that the dating pool has not dried up.
On the other hand, I may not have adequately developed "relational competence" as Mr. Walker alluded to. Until a couple years ago, I didn't become serious about pursuing dating; didn't bother to learn how; and I didn't learn much from my family in my youth. I feel severely behind the curve.
As a single gentleman I have to respectfully disagree. I am in a city a fair bit smaller than New York, but in my experience the dating pool of folks who are single, childless, and have less flags than a communist parade seems to be incredibly small.
I may be suffering from the issue of being a large religious minority (Catholic) in an evangelical city, but I know it took my brother quite a while to find a lady worth marrying, and he is certainly more physically fit, kinder, and in better financial shape than the average man and works in the Big Apple. His experience leads me to believe this problem may be more serious than you let on, be it because churches aren't promoting relationships or that online dating, through providing so many potential options, actually hinders dating. Paralysis by potential, if you will.
It would be interesting to hear from younger, recently & happily married Christian guys on "what worked." Old guys like myself have no idea what it is like out there.
I’m youngish + happily married and met my wife overseas while studying abroad. Young Christian friends here (NYC) generally met their wives on dating apps or at church (though not Redeemer, which seems to encourage singleness).
I'm an older Millennial -- not that young, but younger than Aaron and perhaps many here, and my wife is several years younger than me. I married in my 30s, in a smallish city in the South.
My experience of my peer group is that most people either meet online, in college, or even high school (I think I actually know more HS sweethearts than I know people who just met, in person, as a couple of yuppies). I met my wife online. I agree with Aaron in principle that online dating is generally a mug's game, and I would never recommend it as a sole strategy, but I also wouldn't dismiss it entirely.
My wife had only tried online dating for a few days when I encountered her. I was the only date that she went on out of the whole process. I found that, as a Christian man, I had an advantage when it came to meeting Christian women online. But the catch is that good women are reluctant to go online and generally don't stay online for long because the whole process is odious to such a woman. She is going to be disgusted by the overtly sexual overtures and won't take much joy in attention for attention's sake.
Yet when I did find a seemingly good woman, they were generally at least somewhat receptive towards me. I am average-at-best in the looks department and have a pretty good, not amazing job. Anyone would tell you that my wife is better looking than I am. I honestly felt bad for many of the women in the process that I ended up rejecting; at times they left me with the impression that I was literally the only good man who had spoken to them through a dating app.
Now, I will say that there are churchgoing women who nonetheless use these apps for occasional one night stands. I know because one of my wife's acquaintances is this way and will admit to it when it's just the girls around. But also, if you have any sense about you, you would easily guess which one it is, out of all her acquaintances. Some people are master manipulators, but it's not normally that hard to sniff out someone's character if you keep your wits about you.
I agree with Aaron that there many high quality Christian women in America who would make good wives. That said, many of these high quality women wait too long before getting serious about marriage as a life goal. I live in NYC where these women suddenly wake up in their early 30s.
Dating and courtship markets among devout Christians are very thin when it comes down to it. Many Christians don’t realize that finding a match who they find attractive, and shares their Christian denomination and worldview is not a straightforward process in the age that we live in. I have seen many men and women reject excellent matches for lack of a vague “spark” or some other arbitrary reasons.
I’m an unmarried practicing Catholic man who knows many pious and attractive single women. That said, these women (and men in the Catholic community) don’t act fast to land a match in their 20s. Many young people take their time to open themselves to serious relationships. Lots of safe group hangouts over betrothals and young marriages.
These devout young people many times puzzle over why they are single but don’t acknowledge how closed their hearts are. The culture we live in reinforces a “slow life” strategy where young people are encouraged to find themselves and be wary of marriage and commitment before age 30 (see Jean Twenge’s new book “Generations”).
We shouldn’t be surprised that American men and women across different Christian denominations are finding it hard to find a match in an age that lauds individual autonomy, self-exploration and a market-based/transactional approach to social relationships.
Christians in America shouldn’t expect marriages to “just happen” like they did in the past. The current laissez-faire model no longer works in the negative world.
I agree with you on this. I think society and parents need to play a much bigger role in facilitating marriage, just like they used to. I don't think it really "just happened" in the past, I think that all of society's institutions pulled together to make it happen.
It does seems like a major problem is that men are not looking or asking women out. A lot of men aren't developing relational competence. But it goes both ways.
The distinction between Christian woman, specifically in these aspirational class settings where they all mostly have college degrees, and typical non-Christian women even in the aspirational class merits more attention. I have observed the same distinction and more even outside of NYC.
Seeing "American Reformer Matching Grant" at the end of this article made me think that American Reformer has a grant for match-making.
I'll have to work on some fundraising for that one.
I think we can agree that we are talking about men’s marriage chances from different life stages and ages so our perspectives will vary greatly. Data findings can help us as Christian men to understand the world around us.
Statistics point to overall lower marriage rates and older median ages at which women get married at least in the case of the USA.
* * *
Some good 2019 data (published in 2021) on the regional variation in the *median* age of first-time marriage in the USA for both men and women. Americans get married at older ages than is currently assumed.
https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/payne-manning-median-age-marriage-geographic-variation-2019-fp-21-13.html
* * *
“Between 1995 and 2020, the share of women ever married decreased by 15 percentage points from 72% to 57%” (USA example)
https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/carlson-25-years-change-marriage-1995-2020-fp-20-29.html
* * *
“Of those men who were born in 1940, about 83% were married by age 30. Among those born in 1980 only about 25% were married by age 30.” (England & Wales example)
https://ourworldindata.org/marriages-and-divorces
Thanks for the stats. One thing I'd note is that, in the secular world, it's very uncommon for anyone to get married less than 3 years after they started dating exclusively, and 5+ years is common enough. So that man married at age 30 has probably been in the same exclusive relationship since he was 27 at the oldest, quite possibly 24 or 25.
I wonder how much of the increase in average age at first marriage is explained by an extension of the period of "courtship", including cohabitation more often than not. Surely not all of it, but I'm confident at least 1 year has been added this way.
For the record, my wife and I married about 1 year after we first met, and I think that's probably the sweet spot.
Thank you for your comment on this! I agree with you that marriage after one year of meeting is ideal especially for couples who are of the same Christian tradition, live in the same local area, and who are preparing well for married life.
There’s a great article from The Atlantic on the topic of extended dating and courtship that spans many years.
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2022/02/taking-it-slow-true-love-relationships/622043/
Completely agree with you on this. I think the men complaining are also suffering from a seriously wrong historical perspective. They typically compare their situation to Western men in the 1950s, but that was probably the easiest time and place in all of history for a low-quality man to get a spouse. For most of history, men were in a brutal competition with other men, and the highest-quality men took most of the women. The majority of men who ever lived have no surviving descendants. When I hear men complaining about how tough it is today, I find it truly laughable. They seem to think it should be effortless. May of them are also imposing a standard of absolute virginity, which is needless and unrealistic. Also, I think that in some ways it is even easier today to get a woman than it was in the 50s, because a lot of men aren't even courting women for marriage. If you are one of the ones that is, there is tons of female demand. I have a few middle-aged friends who have divorced, and every one of them has had a new woman before they stopped cohabiting with their estranged wife. This wasn't cheating, it was due to online dating AFTER they agreed to split (or were dumped). Women in that age group are so desperate for a man they will take one who is still living with his wife, and just take his word for it that they are separated!
"Many of them are also imposing a standard of absolute virginity, which is needless and unrealistic."
Couldn't agree more that any person looking to marry should consider a prospective spouse as a whole person, and graciously remember that none of us is perfect. Categorically ruling out an otherwise suitable spouse for one flaw is foolish.
However, men who want to marry have good reason to consider a prospective wife's sexual history as one of many criteria, and to prefer virgins on that point. Women who are virgins when they marry are significantly less likely to divorce and somewhat more likely to be satisfied in marriage.
Nor is virginity an "unrealistic" standard, even if most people these days fall short of it. As recently as the 1950s, most women (60% or so) were virgins when they married, and most of those who weren't (another 28% or so) had only slept with the man they were marrying. Widespread female promiscuity is a very recent and most unfortunate development.
It is fine to value virginity and any other behaviour or trait for that matter, but not if it presents an insurmountable obstacle to getting married. When I cite this issue, I am mainly referring to the army of men on Youtube who claim they cannot find a wife but then reject any woman with a normal sexual history (i.e some previous boyfriends, by the time they are in their mid-late 20s). Many are driven by anger that these women have supposedly chosen to sleep with "chads" while young, before seeking to settle down and marry ordinary men like them. Frankly, if women are willing to marry you, then you cannot claim you cannot find a wife. This problem is self-imposed. I agree with you that promiscuity is undesirable but we also cannot pretend that contraception changed nothing and that pre-contraception standards are still appropriate. Most of these women are not seeking to "use" men, quite the opposite they have sought to please men they like, and would make perfectly good wives.
I speak from the perspective of the devout and financially stable Christian men in my social circle (all ten of us are very single in NYC) and I do think the challenges men face today are indeed different.
Irreligiosity, rampant promiscuity, widespread contraceptive use, obesity, no-fault divorce, and political polarization between the sexes are bigger challenges for men today than in decades past. Women in the 1950s saw marriage as the next step between 18-25. Today that timeline is now 28-35 with college debt and relational baggage in tow.
Definitely see why being a “passport bro” is an appealing strategy for some men tired of fruitless searches in the West.
Well I'm coming from a completely different perspective of a middle-aged man in Australia, so it's possible the mating pool really is that different. However, I note that the average age of marriage for women in the US is 27, with some states as low as 24, so if you are encountering 28-35 then you are in an atypical pool even for the US. I also agree that there are many new challenges for men today but I just think it was a big challenge for most of history too, just for different reasons. A man who cannot find a woman today would have been rubbed out of the gene pool in most other eras as well. I often see commentary on youtube to the effect that young women today are a bunch of fat tattooed sluts but this does not gel with what I see around me, with many slim and beautifully presented young women. I also see these same men demanding that the women be virgins but unless you are getting engaged in high school, that is not realistic and seems like an excuse to rule most women out.
Regarding the states with low median ages, their populations are disproportionately 1) rural and/or 2) Mormon compared to the rest of the USA, which means they don't contribute as much to the dating pool we're concerned with as their median-age-of-first-marriage might suggest.
For a Protestant or Catholic who lives in the city/suburbs, it'd be difficult (although not impossible) to date someone in a rural area because there's both geographic and cultural distance to overcome. Dating a Mormon would be even harder; the LDS Church strongly and effectively encourages its members to marry each other, and if you did find a Mormon who was willing to date, the theological differences would be much harder to reconcile.
Thanks for your reply. I’ve never been to Australia and hope to learn more about the country in the future. I’m going to reply to your comment shortly on another thread explaining that Americans do get married much later than you assume.
I appreciate the great writing, Mr. Renn!
Speaking from experience--a small-town or rural resident, particularly in the western USA, might perceive "a huge shortage of marriageable women." A study of census data for my home county, and surrounding ones, indicates the male population outnumbers the female population by a couple percentage points, i.e. several hundred (or thousand) people.
Be that as it may, my social circle does include a dozen or so Christian women in their 20s. Those I would consider dating (or have asked out), fall into these categories: 1) already in relationships; 2) not interested or "ready" to date; or 3) apparently single but younger than I'm comfortable asking out, i.e. under 24-25 years old vs. my own age of 31. It is a great mental challenge to believe that the dating pool has not dried up.
On the other hand, I may not have adequately developed "relational competence" as Mr. Walker alluded to. Until a couple years ago, I didn't become serious about pursuing dating; didn't bother to learn how; and I didn't learn much from my family in my youth. I feel severely behind the curve.
As a single gentleman I have to respectfully disagree. I am in a city a fair bit smaller than New York, but in my experience the dating pool of folks who are single, childless, and have less flags than a communist parade seems to be incredibly small.
I may be suffering from the issue of being a large religious minority (Catholic) in an evangelical city, but I know it took my brother quite a while to find a lady worth marrying, and he is certainly more physically fit, kinder, and in better financial shape than the average man and works in the Big Apple. His experience leads me to believe this problem may be more serious than you let on, be it because churches aren't promoting relationships or that online dating, through providing so many potential options, actually hinders dating. Paralysis by potential, if you will.
It would be interesting to hear from younger, recently & happily married Christian guys on "what worked." Old guys like myself have no idea what it is like out there.
I’m youngish + happily married and met my wife overseas while studying abroad. Young Christian friends here (NYC) generally met their wives on dating apps or at church (though not Redeemer, which seems to encourage singleness).
I'm an older Millennial -- not that young, but younger than Aaron and perhaps many here, and my wife is several years younger than me. I married in my 30s, in a smallish city in the South.
My experience of my peer group is that most people either meet online, in college, or even high school (I think I actually know more HS sweethearts than I know people who just met, in person, as a couple of yuppies). I met my wife online. I agree with Aaron in principle that online dating is generally a mug's game, and I would never recommend it as a sole strategy, but I also wouldn't dismiss it entirely.
My wife had only tried online dating for a few days when I encountered her. I was the only date that she went on out of the whole process. I found that, as a Christian man, I had an advantage when it came to meeting Christian women online. But the catch is that good women are reluctant to go online and generally don't stay online for long because the whole process is odious to such a woman. She is going to be disgusted by the overtly sexual overtures and won't take much joy in attention for attention's sake.
Yet when I did find a seemingly good woman, they were generally at least somewhat receptive towards me. I am average-at-best in the looks department and have a pretty good, not amazing job. Anyone would tell you that my wife is better looking than I am. I honestly felt bad for many of the women in the process that I ended up rejecting; at times they left me with the impression that I was literally the only good man who had spoken to them through a dating app.
Now, I will say that there are churchgoing women who nonetheless use these apps for occasional one night stands. I know because one of my wife's acquaintances is this way and will admit to it when it's just the girls around. But also, if you have any sense about you, you would easily guess which one it is, out of all her acquaintances. Some people are master manipulators, but it's not normally that hard to sniff out someone's character if you keep your wits about you.
Thank you for posting - that makes a lot of sense.
I agree with Aaron that there many high quality Christian women in America who would make good wives. That said, many of these high quality women wait too long before getting serious about marriage as a life goal. I live in NYC where these women suddenly wake up in their early 30s.
Dating and courtship markets among devout Christians are very thin when it comes down to it. Many Christians don’t realize that finding a match who they find attractive, and shares their Christian denomination and worldview is not a straightforward process in the age that we live in. I have seen many men and women reject excellent matches for lack of a vague “spark” or some other arbitrary reasons.
I’m an unmarried practicing Catholic man who knows many pious and attractive single women. That said, these women (and men in the Catholic community) don’t act fast to land a match in their 20s. Many young people take their time to open themselves to serious relationships. Lots of safe group hangouts over betrothals and young marriages.
These devout young people many times puzzle over why they are single but don’t acknowledge how closed their hearts are. The culture we live in reinforces a “slow life” strategy where young people are encouraged to find themselves and be wary of marriage and commitment before age 30 (see Jean Twenge’s new book “Generations”).
We shouldn’t be surprised that American men and women across different Christian denominations are finding it hard to find a match in an age that lauds individual autonomy, self-exploration and a market-based/transactional approach to social relationships.
Christians in America shouldn’t expect marriages to “just happen” like they did in the past. The current laissez-faire model no longer works in the negative world.
I agree with you on this. I think society and parents need to play a much bigger role in facilitating marriage, just like they used to. I don't think it really "just happened" in the past, I think that all of society's institutions pulled together to make it happen.
How did Western society’s institutions pull together to promote marriage? It’d be great if you shared examples.
I think he means that churches and families were much more proactive about nudging men and women together.
It does seems like a major problem is that men are not looking or asking women out. A lot of men aren't developing relational competence. But it goes both ways.
The distinction between Christian woman, specifically in these aspirational class settings where they all mostly have college degrees, and typical non-Christian women even in the aspirational class merits more attention. I have observed the same distinction and more even outside of NYC.