Why Churches Aren't Credible With Men
Gender ratios, reframing annoyances, third places for men and more in this week's roundup.
A head’s up: I’ll be speaking at the Touchstone Conference in Chicago on September 26-28 along with Robert George, Rod Dreher, C. R. Wiley and others. The theme is Life and Death in the Negative World, based on my book Life in the Negative World: Confronting Challenges in an Anti-Christian Culture. So this should be a good one to attend if it works with your schedule.
What Churches Aren’t Willing to Say
Someone sent me this five minute Jordan Peterson clip about the realities of the dating and marriage market for women who are 30. (I couldn’t find the original source of this material, so it could be AI generated, but it certainly reflects material that I’ve seen Peterson give on multiple occasions). This is one to watch, as it is a great summation of the situation. Very useful for men as well as women.
There’s nothing groundbreaking in this video. This information was in wide circulation in the manosphere before Peterson came on the scene, and there’s a good chance he originally got these ideas from other people. (There’s nothing wrong with that. I didn’t invent much of the material I use).
But ask yourself this: how many pastors in America would be willing to publicly say the things Peterson did?
Don’t tell me that since it’s not in the Bible, they can’t say it. Pastors regularly give all sorts of non-Biblically derived information and advice about dating and marriage.
The fact that millions of men turn to online influencers but not to the church ought to be an embarrassment to American church leaders. The unfortunate reality is that the church simply isn’t credible with young men (and increasingly women, too) because it’s not courageous enough to say the true things like this you can hear from Peterson and others.
I’ve written a number of pieces on why men turn to online influencers instead of the church and other traditional authorities that go into more details on various reasons for this.
In the Wall Street Journal: What Jordan Peterson Can Teach Church Leaders
By Men For Men - In much of mainstream society, including the conservative political world, the leading spokesmen on gender issues are mostly women.
Treat Men Like They Matter - Online influencers treat men as valuable in their own right, not just means to reach some other end
News Men Can Use - Online influencers give practical, actionable insight and advice to young men
Evangelicals Need to Stop Shaming Men - Churches need to stop delivering hectoring "Man up!" lectures that simply drive men away
The Quest for Male Community - Online men’s influencers create male community, of a sorts.
Genders, Ratioed
This 2019 chart from AEI was making the rounds again on X. The data is thus a bit dated, but is still roughly correct.
Reframing Annoyances
John Moody tweeted a couple of good reframes that he uses when encountering minor annoyances.
Here are two habits I started decades ago that have really revolutionized my life and interactions with others... The first, anytime I was running late, hit a detour, hit bad traffic, I would thank God. Sounds sort of crazy, right? My wife one day asked me why. It was simple. Had I been a few minutes earlier, I could have been the accident. It was just me vocalizing the simple truth - God works things for my good. Detours, construction, getting out the door late, etc. It has stuck with my wife to this day.
The second? Anytime someone is treating me unkindly - think customer service folks, store clerks, etc. , I always say to myself, "I wonder what I don't know about what is going in their life." Perhaps their mom has cancer. Or their spouse left them. Or they are getting sick. Or one of a thousand reasons that doesn't justify their sin, but that reminds me they are real people with real worries, fears, concerns, trials, sorrows and more. And then I try to be as kind as possible to them from a genuine love and concern for those my Lord came to save.
It’s all too easy to allow small annoyances to drive us crazy. Creating a habit of reframing them to keep in them in proper perspective is a good idea.
One thing I’ve done is when somebody steals the parking space I was pulling into or something of that nature is to remind myself that this person probably has the kind of life that someone who does things like that has. I don’t need get angry with them because their own behavior is probably already making them a miserable person.
It’s not always easy, but I try to live by the mantra of “laugh at the vicissitudes of life” when it comes to minor annoyances. Sometimes, such as with delayed flights, I struggle to do this. But when it works, it’s magic.
If you haven’t seen it, I interviewed Moody, who is a homesteader that runs an organic food buying club in Louisville, Kentucky, about creating a productive household.
Best of the Web
Anthony Bradley: Guys Need a Third Space
A few months ago, Aaron Renn and I discussed the fact that in contemporary America, the concept of "third spaces"—social environments separate from home and work where men can engage in camaraderie, vulnerability, and personal growth—has significantly diminished. This loss has profound implications for the psychological well-being and societal roles of men, particularly young men. The historical context and evolution of these third spaces, exemplified by the all-men’s social clubs of New York City, shed light on the broader social dynamics that have led to their decline.
Historically, these clubs provided a vital space for men to foster connections outside of their familial and professional obligations. They were not havens of licentious behavior but were rather venues for meaningful social interaction among men. However, the latter half of the 20th century saw significant shifts. Movements towards racial and gender equality, while critically important, inadvertently affected these male-centric institutions. The push for integration and egalitarianism, though well-intentioned and necessary for broader social progress, often did not consider the deep-seated need for relational connections based on existing social networks and shared experiences.
Nick Huber: 32 controversial things I believe
Alex Perez: The American Man Is the Problem - On “sad boy” literature and the pitiful state of the literary man
The American man is problematic when his fiction features a general American backdrop or point of view that isn’t contingent on the weepy diaspora tale or one that relies on POC suffering. In this landscape, the white American man—unless he’s sufficiently self-flagellating—is obviously screwed. But this disgust for American men also affects men of color who reject the victimization story, or at the very least don’t want to make it the hallmark of their work. There isn’t a singular American male experience, of course, but more often than not, American men from differing backgrounds can break bread and connect over their common kinship suffering under a generalized American malaise. This is a beautiful thing. I love watching a game at a bar and talking with dudes I don’t know or meeting a random guy at a coffeeshop and bonding over our shared American experience. I’ve had these moments with white guys, black guys, Hispanics like me, gay and straight, effeminate and macho, all kinds of guys. We are American men trying to make it in America. This is what the American man is writing about.
Julie Ponesse: Our Last Innocent Moment: Angry, Forever?
Doug Walker: A Post-Liberal Review of “The Meritocracy Trap”
New Content and Media Mentions
This week I got mentions from Aaron O’Kelley, Douglas Groothuis and Joel Carini.
New this week:
My podcast was with Dean Ball on artificial intelligence.
The valorization of selfishness (paid only)
Don’t forget to subscribe to my podcast on Apple Podcasts, Youtube, or Spotify.
Helping people, especially men, find a spouse is something the church is completely indifferent to. Maybe they talk about family issues, but mostly they treat their congregants as sexless atomized individuals who need more piety in some general good (gnostic) characteristic. There might be a singles group at a large mega church, but that isn’t much help.
I think there's a distinct but related issue of the… ah, let's say, mode of worship, or perhaps just "what activity goes on, in your community, on Sunday".
Some parishes these days place a heavy emphasis on the touchy feely aspects of being friends with each other and God. (Some of these to their credit emphasize Him and His love, others barely seem to remember Him except maybe as a projection of our own desires and emotions.) The extreme examples can be very "horizontal" (as opposed to "vertical" towards the Almighty), very emotional, very social but much more the feminine sort of socialization than masculine activity – the stuff of pop psychology, groups of people coming together to celebrate the way they believe they're empathetic (whether they actually are towards those less touchy feely than themselves, is another question). These ones, anecdotally, don't seem to get a lot of engagement out of men – especially not younger men.
Whereas, say – this example's obviously from the Catholic world, but that's what I can speak to firsthand – parishes where they still chant in Latin and their liturgies place an emphasis on sacrifice and so forth, have a much more balanced sex and age ratio, often being full of young couples and their families, and the men being much more engaged and active in leading said families.
This is the case even though in my experience these parishes seldom address men one way or the other, directly – though they are much more likely to provide instruction in actually living the Faith, both in terms of being willing to tell people the doctrinal teachings and the dos and don'ts (politically incorrect though that is) but also in terms of how to pray, how to grow in virtue, how to exercise charity (the action not just passionate feelings), etc. (Even if not being addressed as men, at least being addressed in terms of actual right and wrong with actual purpose or a concrete mission, seems to be the kind of thing men can get involved with.) Getting meat in terms of Faith advice is certainly part of it, but so is the sense that worship is ritual directed towards God, that "Sunday services" are not just everybody coming together for a spiritually inspired group hug.